March 11, 2015

Taken 4 Movie announced!

Lol Just Kidding SuckNobs!!!

But I bet popcorns kernels that that you are familiar with the “Taken” movie franchise by now. If you haven’t already seen Takens 1 through 3, I suggest you get a rope made out of hemp, or preferably jute, nothing too fancy, just your typical 3-strand braid rope, and then hang yourselves.

That’s because Taken 1-3 is so insanely awesome and anyone who hasn’t watched them yet are just poopyheads.

Taken has a greate premise that practically writes itself:
1) Guy gets precious shit taken away from him
2) Guy goes berserk until said shit is returned unto him
3) Rinse, Repeat.

Even with this genius plot, I sometimes worry that the direction may not bring out the true potential of the story’s terrific premise. It’s been 2 months since Taken 3 was released, and there has
been no official news from the Director or famed Actor Liam Neeson about Taken 4. So I’ve come up with some ideas for Taken 4 as follows:
These are not super-copyrighted but it would be awesome if someone made an honorary directorial debut reel in the Oscars next year.

1) The Bad Guys get kidnapped

This time, you guessed it, the Russian roulette tables are turned. The Russian mafia bad guy gets kidnapped by even badder guys, possibly Koreans(The crazy dictator, not the Kimchi kind, duh!), and crank called agent Brian Mills to help him escape. Mills didn’t bite at first, but upon learning he that he gets to be hero again while running roughshod on thousands of innocent Koreans, he is in. He gets the feeling he is being double played, but then the movie sort of ends with him punching the lights out of a Korean schoolgirl, only to find out from her dying last breath that the Koreans are the good guys and the Russian Mafia staged the whole thing to get out of paying overdue dry-cleaning bills.

2) The Director gets Kidnapped

The director of the movie, gets kidnapped while filming Taken 4. This is experimental cinema, breaking the 5th wall sort of stuff. This movie starts when the crew and actors actually begin filming somewhere in the vast winter wasteland of baltic Russia. The director goes to take a piss and never returned, but the crew kept filming. As soon as this happened, Brian Mills returned to his trailer just in time for his prostate medication. The crew went out looking for the director, only to find him frozen under a thin sheathe of ice. He tried to get into a pissing contest with a penguin but his dick froze and fell off. The last 5 minutes of this unfinished movie is old footage of Nat Geo’s “March of the the Penguins” and an in memoriam montage of the director.

3) The Crew gets kidnapped

The entire crew simply vanish without a trace but Brian Mills kept the camera rolling Blair Witch style, running around frantically screaming “Hurry, There’s no time, Quickly!” in his bathrobe, basically doing a bad Liam Neeson impression, Then suddenly, KABLAM! He gets smacked on his head with an orderlies’ baton. Turns out there was no crew, and he is in the nuthouse with his nuts hanging out of his bathrobe. He gets sedated and brought to his room with poop-smeared walls to stay the night.

4) The movie viewing audience get kidnapped

The entire movie audience on every single showing of the movie keep on disappearing. This is not some cheap David Copperfield stunt, where the curtain is raised on a bunch of paid actors, and they all magically appear “live” somewhere in the Bahamas sipping on pina coladas. Oh no. I’m talking straight up GONE BABY GONE. One moment the lights are on and people are looking for their seats in the cinema, and the light goes off and on again and BAM!!! everyone is GONE! This baffles the cinema operators and so they install hidden night-vision cameras amid mounting pressure from NGOs and the authorities to explain the disappearing of tax-paying citizens. What they found is truly horrifying, people were queueing up leaving the cinema via the emergency exit because the movie sucks ass, but they weren’t exiting via the main entrance to avoid making eye-contact with people who had told them that it was gonna suck, but then they went anyway.

5) Alternate Universe Theory

Brian Mills (Liam Neeson’s Character in the movie) gets abducted, taken by russian speaking Aliens, and transported into a black hole
to an alternate dimension. There he meets his alter ego “Niam Leeson” played by the actor “Mryan Bills”. In case you’re already confused on how to tell them apart,
Myran Bills is the one with a goatee. However, things are different in bizzaro-taken world. Bills is brought to an observatorium and played a holographic video, where he witnesses the devastating impact of the Taken movie franchise on life in the bizzaro universe, on the count of it being nothing but pure shite. This convinces Liam Neeson to return to Gaia and quit acting. The end.

So there’s my Movie Ideas for Taken 4. TAKE it or leave it, no pun. Your move hollywood.

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