March 19, 2015

Top 10 Black and White Animals.

Since I was a kid, I always wondered why there were still animals with Black and White fur when black and white TV have long gone extinct. Then I realized that I was being a little twerp and brushed off those thoughts which were immediately replaced with super important adult thoughts like tax due date and the fiber content of breakfast cereals. So here we are, presenting a discourse about animals with Black & White stripes or spots on their fur.

First of all, these animals are not the smartest critters in the woods, for being black and white in a multi-colored world. Nice going with the camouflage ya morons, way to stand out like a sore black-and-white thumb in a middle-finger convention.

Lets start with the most recognizable animal that wears black/white patches, the gentle and calm Panda.

1) The Gothic giant Panda

Sad Panda can't get it up

This creature’s cuteness is only matched by its unparalleled ineptitude to procreate amongst all critters the mammalian kingdom. As cute as they are, they’re also pathetic and miserably sad looking. Sometimes you wonder if they’re acting out to get attention but disregard it when they do, like non-conformist goth-kids. The eye-liner patches isn’t helping either. Somewhere in China, There’s a guy who’s job it is to film intimate footage of pandas having the old sexaroo(Like who honestly says that?) because Kung Fu Panda can’t get his nunchucks up, and Mrs Panda is too busy chompin’ down bamboo shoots by the shootload and getting fat. I mean can you blame the guy? After Mrs Panda falls of the bamboo branch that breaks under her weight, and goes into a food-induced coma, Mr Panda will try to rub one out watching shitty amateur panda porn and fall asleep giving himself the old tuggaroo. No wonder they’re sad. If these keeps up, pandas are fucked, and not in the fun way. Get your shit together, Pandas!

2) The Goofy wild Zebra

zebra stupid

The Zebra is often the go-to animal to represent black/white animals, for no other reason than it having its name begin with the letter Z, which is like the 3rd thing in the English language that begins with a Z. So most kids in kindergarten learning the alphabet have it hardwired that Z is for Zebra. What a cheap publicity stunt, Zebras. You’re just as cheap as Aadvarks with 2 A’s in their name just to appear first on people’s phone books. Zebras have no significant import in the modern world, and their only 15 seconds of fame comes largely from being maul to death by lions in animal snuff-documentaries. Get off your high horse, Zebras!

3) The Psychotic Killer Whale

Psychotic Killer Whales

Well these basterds are not technically Whales as they’re closer to dolphins, but due to their sheer inability to maintain a healthy ideal-weight, they’re categorized as whales, those foul gargantuan sea creatures. Oh don’t even get me started on whales man, these dumb creatures wash up ashore and are too dumb to just roll over and keel haul back to wading-level waters. You’d imagine that Whales would have the getting beached thing figured out by now, because the leading cause of death among whales are not crazy japanese fishermen, but suicide by way of accidental beaching but I digress. Killer Whales are closer to Dolphin than they are to whales, but that doesn’t mean they’ve inherited the intelligence of dolphins. I’ve always surmised that Animals with “Killer” appended to their name are just insecure wannabe thugs who crave attention but don’t deserve it. Killer bees are a close second. Did you know that killer bees die after stinging you?

4) The ‘Mehhh’ Malayan Tapir

Hideous Malayan Tapir

This is an animal that is supposedly native to Malaysia, where I’m from, but never in my life have I actually seen a live tapir up close, and neither do I want to see them. Judging from the photos, these guys are ugly as phuck. They’re numbers are few and far between, and are high on the list of ungulates that are facing extinction. This is probably just a simple mixup. You see, most of these dumb tapirs still think they’re living in “Malaya” which is what Malaysia was called pre-independence, and thus its name, ‘Malayan tapir’. They should stop living in the past and consider making the lateral move to become ‘Malaysian Tapirs’ and join other contemporary animals that co-habit the forests of Malaysia.

5) The Evil Penguin

Evil Dumb Penguin

Next on the list are penguins, a.k.a nature’s worst mistake. These obese and extremely out-of-shape birds(no offence to birds) struggle just to walk, or even worse, fly. If you’ve seen a walking penguin and thought it was cute, then you’re a sadistic bastard that revels in the misery of others. They have this weird thing where they have to spread their wings like Come-at-me-Bro stance just to wade through 1-inch of snow. Penguins are evil because whenever you see a group (or whatever the fuck the collective noun for penguins are) huddled together they always look like powerful bigwigs scheming to carve-up the economy of a small nation. Penguins should quit stalling and decide already if they want to be a bird or fish. If the former, lose the weight, fatty.

6) The Sickly & Spotty Dalmation

spotted dalmation

Makes you wonder if Dalmations were really all that if it weren’t for that shitty string of god-awful Disney movies of mulatto dogs with Oreo spots. Dalmations are spoiled little brats of the canine world. First of all they always hang out in packs and litters, which gives them a false sense of power and an ego boost. Whenever you see a dalmation in isolation it looks timid and sickly, because dare I say it, they’re all bark and no bite. They have not earned those spots like real black and brown dogs from the Ghetto. They’re so fake like white rappers who think they’re street and got a little black in em. Why are they still breeding this little bastards? When I see one without a leash, I will drop it off at Cruella De Vil’s dog pound that is curiously located beside a coat factory.

7) The Dreary Dairy Cow

Evil Dairy Cow

As a person of Hindu origin, I know we’re taught to revere cows as holy animals, but holy shit these animals are a terrible menace. All they do is graze up and down the place turning precious grass into useless milk and fart methane gas that’s ravaging the ozone faster than AIDS at a Thai bath house. Who drinks milk anymore besides goddamn babies? Babies are to blame for rising sea levels. Already 80% of people lactose-intolerant, 10% try to be politically correct and think we should tolerate all sugars although we may not agree with their way of life, and the remaining are liars. This leaves just fat babies who can’t get by with just their mother’s milk that they need to be udder-chugging milk guzzlers. Women who produce excess breast milk should pass that shit around, like a communal milk-exchange program, or sell it online. Stop the dependence on Big Milk, support your local human milk producers.

8) The Delicious Oreo Cookie

Oreo Cookie

Technically aren’t animals, but if any snack deserves an honorable mention, its the delicious Oreo Cookie. I’ve never been a big fan of the traditional oreo cookie eating way, Prising, licking, dunking. Worse are people who just lick of the white stuff and throw away the black wafers like they’re nothing. I think that is just obscene and racist. And why the black cookie gotta protect the creamy white center too? Why can’t they make two white cookies sandwiching a black center? Well they do but its not famous because of, reasons. This is telling of greater ills in society. Its okay to be white on the inside and black on the outside but black on the inside and white on the outside is bad? No wonder EMINEM is more famous than my boy Wayne Brady.

9) The Sloppy K.I.S.S

KISS sucks

K.I.S.S are a small pack animals often existing in quartets, from the Homo Sapiens species. Emphasis on ‘homo’. They are terrible class of animals that when performing, can make people, especially men in their fifties become moist, squirm and drop their pantaloons faster than conjoined twins in a three-legged race. Their popular song ‘I Wanna Rock n’ Roll All Night’ is ironically a pop song in today’s standards. Nothing to see here folks, move along.

10) The Inseparable Yin/Yang

yinyang lolz

Conceptually aren’t animals, but it deserves a mention because they’re the precursor to the dualistic nature of existence itself. Yin/Yang, Dwaita/Advaita, Good/Evil, call it what you want, but the reflective nature of super-symmetry of particles in quantum entanglement postulates that…….*zzzzzzzz* boring. More like Yin and *YAWN*, amirite? They say opposites attract, but they also say “like attracts like”. So which is it assholes?

So there.

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